Talk about fast food! Armin Burger has to be the quickest takeaway in Aldi's increasingly revolting history, unexpectedly following Paul Foley into a fully merited obscurity. Still, you'd have thought a man with such a name would have had a bit more gristle to him than to burger off like that.

I'm surprised no-one has yet suggested Mr Burger absconded to take the helm at Morrisons, given the swamp of stupidity that is the Fourth Estate, but now the notion has appeared in this bulging organ it's only a matter of minutes before someone pinches it. I mean, it's hardly more idiotic a concept than Markup de Price getting off his chubby bottom and heading to Bradford, or Cadbury making a counter-bid for Kraftwerk's confectionery division - ideas seriously proposed in the pages of the meeja this week.

It does depress me a little, gentle reader, that a 'profession' such as journalism, that shouts of its dedication to blowing the lid on incompetence, should itself consistently display such world-beating ineptitude. If only more retailers had mastered the use of a pen, I'm sure there'd be some sort of outcry.

Thankfully there are a couple of noble men and true still left in this talent desert of an industry, and let me be the first to say that one of them is Morrisons chairman Sir Ian Gibson. Surely only the fact he must currently be busier than a Bakkavör accountant has prevented lead guitarist Gibson from getting on the blower with an irresistible offer to the obvious candidate succeeding Marc Bolan on vocals at Pie City.

Modesty prevents me from revealing the identity of this successor (Modesty, I do wish you'd remove your chunky rings before handling my dictation) but with a record of unparalleled success in managing the collapse of a major retailer and a reputation in Whitehall second only to Peter 'Duck Island' Viggers, quite frankly I've got as good a chance as any of the other losers.

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