Poor old Jean-Claude Van Damme.

The Muscles from Brussels didn't get into last year's The Expendables, the old folks' home of a movie that united creaking icons Stallone, Lundgren, Willis and Schwarzenegger in a no-holds-permitted scrap for the last Werther's Original.

Happily, Coors has dug up Van Damme to riff on his "frozen tight pants" in a refreshingly silly new ad that compares him to a "male penguin after an intense mating session".

Aptly, the years have not been kind to the star of Time Cop: too much Botox has cryogenically frozen his face into that of a far older man. But actorly things like facial expressions weren't really ever his thing. Like those other beefcakes with bus passes, JCVD is at his best when being himself.

Drink Coors, the ad says, and remember when real men spent their weekends in underground kickboxing battle-royals wearing pink spandex jumpsuits.

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