Thank heavens Halloween passed off without too much rioting.

Perhaps the trick-or-treaters were captivated by some mind-bending research put together at the behest of Sainsbury’s - a variation on those much-loved newspaper space-fillers about the perfect biscuit for dunking in tea, whether cucumber sandwiches should have crusts or not and how many tablespoons of MSG you need to make your stir-fried chicken taste even vaguely like Chinese food.

Boffins - possibly taking a break from reversing climate change and curing cancer - have put together an equation to determine the perfect apple for bobbing. You remember bobbing for apples - the Enid Blyton party staple that’s like waterboarding for kids, with a marginally higher risk of drowning.

The equation is D = 3× (2 + T ^2) × M / (10 ×T), involving things like the diameter of the apple and the average size of the bobber’s mouth (how this is calculated from the seven billion people on the planet is presumably even more complicated). Isaac Newton would have been proud.

Anyway, apparently the best apple is the Zari, a British variant that is presumably available now in Sainsbury’s.