Fat Face used to be just a fashion chain for sandal-sporting surfers. Now it’s the portrait of a nation.

One and a half million British adults are now morbidly obese, according to ‘shock’ figures that probably only came as a shock if you thought our Olympic team had been picked from a random pool of people hanging around outside a leisure centre in Stratford.

The news comes despite five times as many gastric bands being snapped round disobedient stomachs by the NHS than in 2006.

No wonder high-tech slimming clothes are so hot right now. Asda has won admiring glances for its £16 jeans that magically appear to shed pounds with crafty black stripes sewn on each leg.

Elsewhere, a new pair of American ‘miracle shorts’ that supposedly let you lose weight while you slept have been proven to be as much use as a chocolate teapot. And probably less tasty.