What do they eat in prison? Are our nation’s crims punished with offal and sprouts, or rehabilitated by way of nourishing stews and wholesome breads?

Letters of complaint received by HMP Wakefield – obtained via a freedom of information request from The Mirror newspaper – suggest the UK’s perp-ulation are less than happy with what’s on offer.

“No red crisps (ie ready salted) were given at lunchtime to me,” whined one inmate. “Evidently some of the wing staff found this very funny when I used an expletive over this. Whilst they might find this funny, I do not.”

We do! Ha! It’s hardly Guantánamo Bay, is it? But it gets worse.

Another crook writes: “For the past two weeks we have had no parsley sauce with the fishcakes despite it being advertised on the menu sheet as fishcakes with parsley sauce.” Hard times.