Lionel Richie must be furious. A recent gig for Walkers seemed to set him up for a retro resurgence and reality TV. But he’s gone already, like tears in rain.

New week, new Walkers ad: Gary Lineker footloose and daintier than ever in a ‘raining men’ dance craptacular. Truly, there is no humiliation he won’t suffer.

As robust as an origami teapot, Lineker’s non-contact take on football was revered from here to Japan, where his career was ended by a slightly bruised toe. His sainted status helped shape a gone-soft game in which an honest clogger now can’t snap the Achilles of a fancy-Dan foreign jinker without the ref bursting into tears.

Miraculously healed just 20 years later, Lineker now prances, sodden, about a warehouse in a Kevin Bacon tribute. Then he’s struck by lightning, explodes and it’s suddenly worthwhile.

Dazzling, climactic; this is the end his playing career should have had.