Tesco is all hot and bothered about its upcoming in-store talent contests but Morrisons in Bradford hit back with its own bargain-basement in-house entertainment last week when a homeless chap was arrested for overenthusiastically playing air guitar in the supermarket’s café.

Less amusingly, the 61 year-old – who has more than 200 previous convictions and no top 40 records to his name – also apparently threatened to stab a customer, although no-one was hurt and the café’s collection of plastic sporks was fully accounted for.

Asda also had a festive brush with the law after its Aintree branch was the site of a daring escape by a police suspect from Kirkby. The desperado shook off his private security detail en route to magistrate’s court and was later spotted hopping into a taxi outside his local Asda, presumably patting a back pocket full of burgled loot.

In happier news, Milan’s homeless enjoyed a rare feast before Christmas when customs officials handed out 88lbs of beluga caviar that had been confiscated from smugglers. Rather than destroy the haul (as killjoy jobsworths did last time), the authorities decided instead to dish out the fish eggs to local charities for the homeless.

It’s certainly an improvement on the Lidl in Sweden that previously apologised in these pages after staff poisoned discarded produce with cleaning fluids to prevent unscrupulous freeloaders/starving homeless folk from making the most of those out-of-date meatballs.