Santa's sherry

Well ‘tis the season, as they inexplicably say in America, and a lot of you will be looking to your Pat for advice on in-store merchandisalisation and customer journey optimalissification, which is what I believe ’sorting the shop out’ is called these days.

Of course, your Pat has been making the tills ring like a Westminster lie detector for decades, so in the spirit of the season (this year it’s Pat’s Mart ‘Auld Polloks’ Blended Scotch, £99.99/5l) I have decided to share a few seasonal trade secrets.

Firstly, store ambience. C’mon, it’s Christmas! So make everything as horrendous as possible, from the nauseating children’s choirs to the migraine-inducing lighting and opportunistic pricing. Desperate customers on Christmas Eve will be so traumatised by the experience that they will throw literally anything into their trolleys and bolt for the exit without checking the bill.

Secondly, ranging is everything. If you operate in a catchment like this one, everybody already has every possession they might actually need. Therefore your role is to supply goods that no one could ever want or desire before the second coming of the Baby J. Outside the grocery sector most of the high street has been operating like this for years, so it’s time to catch up and stock up on LED glowing wine glasses, farting infra-red garden gnomes and indeed anything else habitually sold by TK Maxx.

And finally, the golden rule: treat your customers the way you would like to be treated. However, you should only do this if you are a masochist - the rest of us will do well to imagine customers as walking wallets with a bulimic compulsion to vomit their contents in your shop. Your role is to help them. Happy trading!

Pat Smart

Exploits of a Westminster c-store owner