The Daily Mail was up to its usual trade-bashing antics last week, publishing extracts from a new book of so-called 'food rules' a series of "unlikely but brilliantly simple" commandments designed to prevent shoppers with neither common sense nor self-control from eating themselves to death on chocolate-coated chicken beaks.

Some have fairly obvious targets, such as 'don't eat cereals that change the colour of the milk'. Better throw away those delicious Chilli Puffs (slogan: 'so spicy they turn the milk into a seething crimson cauldron of cholesterol').

Other genius suggestions include buying smaller plates, 'drinking the spinach water' more like a Bushtucker Trial than the cornerstone of a balanced diet and avoiding ingredients you don't recognise. This last one could be particularly tricky when studies routinely find that the average schoolkid wouldn't recognise a cow if it developed a debilitating brain disorder and gored them to within an inch of their life.

Blogof's personal favourite was 'only eat foods cooked by humans' thus sadly ruling out the luxurious platters of rare seafood lovingly prepared at Grocer Towers by our legions of monkey butlers.