When Bogof was at school we were lucky to get a spoon to eat our cold tapioca with, and the punishment for refusing to finish your greens was a sharp clip round the ear from Sir.

So you can imagine my reaction when I read the School Food Trust's latest report on enhancing the "school meal experience" for children.

Among the Trust's tips are the introduction of "soft chairs and curtains" to the dining area to "absorb sound and create a relaxed atmosphere". Apparently, "a noisy environment will always be more intimidating and stressful than a quiet one".

Yes - for the poor bloody teachers, I'd have thought.

Anyway, suggestions for improving "the acoustics in the dining space" include panels on the walls and ceilings to absorb noise and soft music.

If that wasn't enough molly-coddling, how about this: "Add bowls of bread, salad, jugs of water or flowers to the table".

What a load of tosh. Flog 'em till they finish the plate, I say. And then flog 'em a bit more for good measure. Never did me any harm.