No-one in Westminster would ever underestimate our new Prime Minister's charisma and charm - but only because they're too busy stabbing each other in the back for the position of Brown-Knowser-in-chief. As for the Hon. Donald Pumsey MP, well I'm too much of a man of the people for all that, as I remarked to Sir Elton and dear Brian Sewell in the Royal Enclosure at Ascot the other day.

But the truth, dear readers, is that I'm just a smidgeon concerned about my prospects. I don't want any of the human jetsam that make up the readership of this magazine to fret unduly, but Gordo is rumoured to be plotting a one-way trip to the backbenches for the Pumster. Think of it as the political equivalent of finding yourself soft fruits & berries buyer at Nisa-Today's.

It seems my tireless efforts at DRIP to curb the social plague that is the grocery industry have gone unnoticed. Sources close to the PM (Alex Turner from the Arctic Monkeys) have been overheard saying there's to be a purge and that the Pumster is to be banished to his constituency. Wherever that is.

Now, as the retail cognoscenti (look it up) that you are, you will realise that if we are to, well, control food price inflation and, erm, ensure fair play and, oh, stuff, then we need a tough man at the top. I know for a fact that in a rare display of harmony, Tel, King Justin, Goldfinger and Ken have all written to the Tartan Tyrant imploring him to keep me on. Funny that they should be keen to protect a fearless and effective consumer champion such as myself. I gather they're quite happy with Messrs Fingleton and Freeman, too.

Nevertheless, ye Guardians of Grocery, ye Denizens of Distribution, ye Royalty of Retail - plus all ye folks at Budgens - this may not be enough.

So I implore you: email the PM and beseech a pardon. Do copy me in at don.pumsey@thegrocer.co.uk. The office ZX81 is still knackered. Ta.