High street Croydon

Shoppers, from all persuasions, are still flocking to Pat’s Mart

I don’t know why everyone is getting so worked up about the collapse in high street footfall. Quality always prevails, so it won’t surprise readers to hear that Pat’s Mart has not noted any decline in shopper numbers whatsoever. Obviously this is largely because counting the procession of drunkards, junkies, benefits cheats and other parliamentarians that traipse through my door would leave me more depressed than UK productivity.

I need to thank Mr Hammond for that joke, actually. He likes to while away an hour or two chewing the fat and picking up ideas for his economic policy. He still clings on to this crazy delusion that being part of some kind of powerful European trading alliance would be good for Britain and that by not being a global laughing stock we might strengthen the pound, stop importing inflation and revive inwards investment. He’s clearly mad.

Anyway, as I said to him just this morning, diversification is the name of the game. I’ve been doing a bit of sneaky crowdfunding (only a select and let’s face it guilty cadre of MPs would refer to it as blackmail) and have raised capital for a number of new ventures that will finally establish me as the Sir Clive Sinclair of the cyber-economy.

Who needs boring old footfall when, at the click of a mouse, MPs can order anything for next-day delivery to a discreet 24/7 Westminster address? While some would argue this is just Pavlina’s extended Bulgarian family sourcing grey imports and taking a massive cut, they can, er, go whistle. And, as I have pointed out to more than one government frontbencher, it saves having to send your researchers to pick up essential leisure goods for you.