There are some parts of The Grocer over which Dave Lewis, this week's guest editor, has exercised absolutely no control.

Like this one, for example.

As a minister I am responsible to absolutely no-one, especially in the last six hurrahs of a failing government. So as 'Drastic' Dave (I'm making that 'Debonair' Dave, OK? Ed) cuts and slashes at the copy, just watch me go.

[copy redacted]

Of course, whether Lewis needs to apply his slash and burn policies to the public purse (change that to 'exercise the same judicious cost base discipline to the public finances - Ed) is not for me to say, especially as my gold-plated computer is due for its bi-weekly upgrade.

But I was soon reassured as the smooth-as-silk Lewis picked up the phone himself. There were no mentions of cuts of any description.

I think I even managed to keep the former Public Health Commission wonk on side, promising that if re-elected we'd allow Unilever to show its lard-bashing credentials through some strategic sponsorship of Ben & Jerry's Change4Life sometime soon (I'll let him get away with - that it's quite funny).

Actually, I felt I could promise pretty much anything, given that the chances of Gordo getting a majority next time around are roughly on a par with Becks slotting in the winning goal at the World Cup final (Let's get Monkey on his back - Ed).

On which note, I should get down to the Westminster branch of Jobcentre Plus before the rush. The options post-May are all looking equally ghastly, the worst of all being that yours truly is forced to spend more time with his family as the more esoteric ministries are handed over as a sop to Corporal Clegg.

I'm actually considering going into show business. I'm told Take That's Mark Owen has a few openings available (Can we change this? Ed).

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