Ho chaps! And chapettes! And everyone self-identifying in between! This is 2018 after all and HMG is awfully sensitive about, well, pretty much everything these days.

But how remiss, we haven’t met of course! Donna Pumsey at your service, latest minister on the block and grocery Jane Bond to old Fishlips Gove. But of course we’re going to be best friends and you can call me DP - I’ve always liked that.

Bennett's Fish & Chips

Ms Frexit, as British as fish ’n’ chips

Now what’s this all about, I hear you say. Well, what with Brexit and David Dickie Davis being clinically useless and the place falling apart and Mary Portas being too expensive they’ve drafted me in to run my very own department. What a scream! So welcome to Frexit. Officially it stands for Food Retail Exports Imports Trade but I hear civil servants are already calling it Fishlips’ Rear Exit. Aren’t they naughty?

Dear old Lovey Dovey Govey - not quite God’s gift to women but he is the boss and that’s kind of sweet, don’t you think? He’s given me free rein to make sure all you grocery so-and-sos and n’er-do-wells are behaving yourselves and not poisoning anyone, and that oven chips aren’t too dear because that would be awful. Well, for some, anyway. Me, I’m minted, darlings!

It’s going to be an absolute hoot! And I’m quite the thing for the job. With me being a red-blooded woman I intuitively understand hard-working families and single mums and just-about-malingerings and well, everyone who makes our country great now that we are getting it back again. I’m not at all sure who had it before but we’re getting it back and that’s the main thing.

So do pass on all your grocery woes, darlings! I’m @MsFREXIT and, as you like to say in the grocery trade, I’m open all hours!

Donna Pumsey, aka Ms Frexit, is our one-woman troubleshooter at the Department of Food Retail Exports Imports and Trade. You can follow her at @MsFrexit. Just not too closely.