dead pig portrait one use

Well, Lord Ashcroft claims to have had a beef with the prime minister but I’m here to say that someone’s telling porkies.

The real issue is all the damage this is doing to the British pigmeat industry.

It’s not an insignificant detail that on the very same day the famously fair-minded readership of the Daily Mail was choking on its breakfast bangers, David Cameron was off chewing the fat with the Danish prime minister Lars Løkke Rasmussen.

You don’t need the sensitive snout of a swine to sniff out something dodgy here, and I’m not talking truffles. Lardy Lars has got the European trotter mountain quivering in his back garden, and he’s spotted an opportunity to flood the UK market in return for saving Cameron’s bacon in the EU negotiations.

It’s been this way since the days of Good Queen Bess - ask yourself this: what was Shakespeare’s Danish play called? Exactly.

Obviously there is the small matter of defamation, and I may well get the pigs… I mean Scotland Yard, to investigate. As affidavits go, mine may not be the most reliable. I was as dead as the Lib Dems on the evening in question and as such I have no knowledge as to what was placed into where by whom.

Usually it’s just an apple. But then these Piers Gaveston bashes are secretive affairs. Had the alleged events taken place at a Bullingdon Club function then former prominent members such as Ocado’s Jason Gissing might have been out spilling the beans.

So while the media have gone the whole hog, if you ask me old Hameron’s not for the chop. I just wish I could say the same about me.