I’m no spring chicken. (I’m no oil painting either.) But as anyone who knows me from my 14 years at Diageo will tell you, it’s incredibly important to immerse yourself completely in your product. That’s why, with the annual commemoration of the death and resurrection of our Lord fast approaching, and to defend our industry against the chancellor’s War on Sugar, I’ve dressed up as an oversized leporid.
It’s not funny. In fact I’m hopping mad. Admittedly George “Half Man Half Biscuit” Osborne has a few things on his mind right now, but I really don’t understand how he has the gall to ignore someone as important as me. Oh, and the entire membership of the FDF, of course.
Mind you, I’m hopping mad with them too. Despite my clear instructions in our recent secret and democratic EU ballot, only half of those overweight slop-mongers could be bothered to vote, and even then some of them managed to get the answer wrong. It took some fairly creative tallying to achieve the near-unanimous 70% endorsement to Remain I ordered.
When Osborne finally did get around to answering my calls he was strangely unrepentant about the sugar tax, and said something about swapping soft drinks for hard liquor, though it was hard to make out what exactly through the sobbing and rants about “that clucking Iain Duncan Smith”.
I can only assume, like me, Westminster was getting into the Easter spirit. And maybe Osborne will sport a chicken outfit à la Donald Trump. That stunt hasn’t done him any harm, has it?
Anyway, I’ve now sent the entire Cabinet the FDF’s gift egg this year. It’s laden with polyols, which also acts as a laxative. Sweeet!