Hello boys. Oh, and girls too, of course. While I remain very young and, dare I say, scandalously voluptuous for my years I can’t afford to be too selective at, well, my prime of life. In any case, an absolutely wickedly, hedonistically merry Christmas to all of you brave, poor people who work so hard all year in the grocery industry doing whatever it is you do.
We have so much in common, those of us lucky enough to be working in food. As for myself I positively writhe in it, proffering my sumptuous creations for my fans to fondle and lick and masticate, and ooh, scoff in uncontrolled convulsions of utter sybaritic pleasure. While you stack shelves, as I understand it.
Some of you can read, I’m sure - so tell your little friends there’s ANOTHER thing you have in common with the celebrity Oxford graduate daughter of a former Chancellor of the Exchequer. And so you might have seen my new recipe book, designed for dear little people just like you.
It’s Dirty Eating, to differentiate my new creations from the ghastly alimentary habits of the likes of Nicole Kidman and, allegedly, Kim Kardashian. Apparently, these days the poor dears don’t consume anything that isn’t the colour and consistency of swamp water and can’t be sucked up through a straw. Although you can take it from me that not everything that passes darling Kim’s lips is certified 100% gristle-free.
You need have no such fears with Dirty Eating. Indulge yourselves with my world-famous honey-drizzled baps or feast on my luscious thigh roulades. When you’re done you could always make a cheese sarnie if you’re feeling a bit peckish. Just as long as you buy the book. Like me, darlings, it’s the perfect stocking filler.