peter kendall portrait one use

When I retired from the NFU I made the solemn promise that I would take it easy and never take on any useful work again. I’m proud to say I’ve honoured this commitment to the letter, first by becoming chairman of ADHD - the government’s premier gardening quango - and now starting ‘Farmers For In’.

Now, some of you may feel this is less of an organisation and more of a plural noun followed by two random prepositions. And in a very meaningful way you’d be right.

But as I was picking up my gong the other day for services to blinkered intransigence, Her Maj quipped that it would be an awful shame if we left the EU, given we don’t actually grow very much food, and might starve if the Frogs get arsey. And she’s very fond of unelected institutions, whatever The Sun says, she assured me.

So I had a bit of a looksee and you know what, she’s right! If we leave the EU then those Frenchies will have us by the courts et bouclés quicker than you can say Politique Agricole Commune, which admittedly takes a fair old while, even with a Grade 2 CSE in French from Nottingham Poly.

Quick as a flash I got on the blower to Lizzy Truss to reassure her that all seven of the FFI massive would be campaigning ferociously in favour of Brussels. As well as cauliflower, kale and all manner of brassicas. She wasn’t in - her PA said she was on a Field trip. I thought that sordid business ended years ago, though it has to be said I do like a minister who takes a hands-on approach with upstanding members.

Anyway, thanks to me our food chain is once again secure. No need to thank me. Just stay orf my land.