One of the more interesting side-effects of the recent revelations on MPs' expenses is that there is a deluge of cash washing around Westminster as my lily-livered colleagues write blank cheques to the Exchequer in a hopeless bid to clear their deservedly tarnished names.

Yes, it's an ill wind that doesn't blow the Pumster any good, and over a ninth Sambucca nightcap at Langan's one particularly impressionable young popsie from the Commons Fees Office was persuaded to disclose the access details for this burgeoning slush fund in return for, well, let's just say we found a fairly literal interpretation of the phrase 'joined-up government'.

But before the pompous hacks of the Torygraph descend on my expense claims like a dose of the crabs, let me reassure you that this blood money is all being put to a noble cause: a three-week luxury fact-finding mission to some tough corners of the globe with some of the less savoury doyens of the UK grocery establishment.

Thus it is that I find myself sampling my sixth daiquiri on the jetty of the little-known Jamaican paradise of Hedo, deep in summit talks with the British retail elite. Sadly, this process is not rendered easier by the fact we are all stark bollock naked, as local custom dictates. This might sound promising, but unfortunately Rosey has left the latest love of his life at home, Philip Green is sitting rather too close for comfort (ie on the next beach) and Markup de Price seems to be promoting his Essentials Meat 'n' Two Veg, so to suggest the view was in some way appealing would be rather wide of the mark.

Sadly, the resort is also patronised by a number of 'celebrities,' a word which has in recent years taken on the meaning 'gormless, gobby non-entity'. But if you see a picture in this week's OK! of a toga-clad King Justin in the jacuzzi with Vanessa Feltz, don't worry, it's just a photomontage. With Vanessa in there, not even a smurf like KJ could squeeze in beside her.