ice lollies

About this time every year the papers report on a forthcoming heatwave. Well, when I say ‘papers’ I mean the Express, and when they say ‘heatwave’ they mean temperatures nudging over 18 degrees, and even that is only as true as anything else in the Express.

Be that as it may, a wily old bird like Pat can offer fellow grocers a few tips that will help you make the most of the soaraway average thermometer reading for the time of year that we may or may not face. You’re welcome.

First, try to stay cool yourself. General elections can sometimes raise the temperature a little, but since this time the outcome is still a given (despite Mrs May’s best efforts to screw it all up) try to imagine her naked. This will chill the bones. If that doesn’t work, instead think of world in which Mr Corbyn was allowed to put some of his manifesto promises into practice. If that doesn’t freeze the blood, nothing will.

Make the most of your ice cream chiller. Evict any asylum seekers to whom you have rented it as an air-conditioned residence and fill it instead with lollies from the local discounter. In a touristy area like Westminster I normally price on the basis of £1 per degree centigrade. In Bradford I suggest a different algorithm.

Beer is going to be a significant line. Lager has no taste and is therefore sold exclusively on the strength and name, which should be as unpronounceable as possible. My top selling SKU is Pat’s Mart Gnátžpïscz 450ml 9.5% abv. Actually, that’s regardless of season temperature. Apparently the Parliamentary Expenses Office accepts receipts as entertainments for the president of Croatia.

Oh, and above all, smile! It’ll be winter soon.

Pat Smart

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