We hold this truth to be self-evident: all olives are created equal. So it was weird hearing a man with a thick Afrikaans accent talk about separating the blacks from the greens.
Food Unwrapped (Channel 4, Monday, 8.30pm) promised “to ask the questions food producers aren’t expecting” - maybe because they’re too banal. Host Matt Tebutt was an inoffensive everyman. But reporter Kate - bed-head hair and dressed like she’d been dragged backwards through a retro ’80s hedgerow - took the naïf style of questioning to dizzy new depths, like a day-old kitten gaffer-taped to a mic. Her ruse of acting like a total idiot at all times revealed that black olives are really green olives treated to look black. Who knew?
Better was the piece on what goes into (and back out of) our beer: seaweed, fish collagen and possibly bits of the Belgrano. It’s well-timed. Lager volumes are collapsing abvs tumbling like a drunkard down a flight of stairs. Booze-hounds are in thrall to craft beers like Dalai Lager’s Sweaty Yeti and Einstein’s Atomic Enema.
Tebutt failed to grasp that ingredients and processes are different but, worse, failed to ask the key question: shouldn’t we be saving our precious fish collagen to inject in the faces of X Factor finalists?
Now there are almost as many micro-breweries as there are pubs left, remember that hidden extras have long been part of beer making. After all, Dad’s home-brew was never the same without his two secret ingredients - paint-thinner, and love. But mostly the first one.