I'm all for aspirational cookery. But Raymond Blanc's second series of Kitchen Secrets (8.30pm, BBC2, Monday 28 February) is more perspirational than aspirational.

Who, aside from avid Hestonites, would dare to attempt anything beyond the lemon tea cake Blanc kicked off with? And was it just me or were some of the end results a tad, what's the right term, rustic-looking?

The eclairs may have elicited a 10 out of 10 on the taste front from grateful Le Manoir Aux Quat'Saisons colleague Julia, but they weren't exactly elegant, were they? More like something your kids would rustle up in cookery class at school (if they still had cookery class that is).

Ditto the flourless dark chocolate cake festooned with pale macarons, which ominously even Blanc admitted took years to perfect and for what? To be slapped randomly all over. It looked RUBBISH definitely not something that'd impress your dinner party guests. Yet Blanc was coming over all dewy eyed.

Perhaps it evoked memories of his childhood. Perhaps he was recalling his early career and the recipes that had inspired him. Perhaps he DID realise it looked crap and was wishing he'd done what everyone else does pretend they've made something they've actually bought from M&S (if they can still afford M&S, that is).

Oh well, at least he seemed to be enjoying himself. Especially when it came to the grand finale the Piece Montée Croquembouche a wobbly mountain of 80 stuffed choux pastries dipped in caramel and nibbed sugar that is supposedly the quintessential French celebration cake but, rather aptly given the name, looked less mountain, more crock of something.

And not the only crock on display this week. What on earth is Jamie Oliver playing at (Jamie's Dream School, 9pm, C4, Wednesday 2 March)? It was bad enough that he'd abandoned the cheeky chappy persona for proselytising bore, but now he's ditched the chef bit, too!

How dare he think he can waltz in with a bunch of celebrities who've never taught before and succeed where so many real teachers have failed? I was gobsmacked. I just wish he had been, too (if you know what I mean).

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