Loud huzzahs for Tesco's moral fibre and rectitude as it adopts two sound, consistent and entirely defensible stances on diametrically opposed sides of the Zimbabwe sanctions issue within just 48 hours. Contacts embedded deep within the drinking dens of the Foreign Office tell me that Tel's shadowy government glad-handers had been frantically but unsuccessfully trying to get a whiff of the way the ill-scented Whitehall wind was blowing on the repulsive Mugabe in order to re-calibrate the ol' moral compass.

Thus it was that on Friday it was 'irresponsible' to cease trading with Zimbabwe, only for it to turn out on Monday to be irresponsible to continue. How the grand Muggle must be quaking in his boots as he reclines in the Air Zim jet back from his relaxing weekend with the fearless African Union at Sharm El-Sheikh. Tesco to stop doing a million quids' worth of mangetout! Where the combined opprobrium of the UN, the EU, the US and every other political acronym on the planet has failed, the ethical weather vanes at Cheshunt are bound to succeed.

One can only speculate how this volte-face came about but I'll give it a go: the two equally nauseating concepts of Middle England and the Daily Mail spring to mind. But, as troubling as I find it to offer some words in defence of the nation's much-hated favourite retailer, let's just say that at least they have taken a position (or in this case, two). Where, I ask, are the finely argued views of Bondandybond, King Justin, Marc Bolan or even Tinted Rose? Not to mention the bankers and miners (rather than farmers) that really do have a case to answer.

What Is To Be Done? My sweethearts, the funny thing is I don't really know myself. As a politician there is always a danger of accusations of hypocrisy. What the heck. Waiter! More sugar snaps, pronto!