This week, we were treated to a glimpse of what the world must have looked like a trillionth of a second after the Big Bang. In a secret location in Hertfordshire, a powerful international constellation has sunk a deep tunnel – the LHC (Leahy Hates Competition). In this fiendish apparatus El Tel has loaded a stream of cheap ‘n’ nasty products that can be fired at the speed of light from the Cheshunt Death Star straight down the product pipeline into the gullets of the great unwashed.

Of course, none of this would be of particular significance were it not for the fact that King Justin had chanced upon a similar idea, squirting his sub-atomic portion sizes into the void. Some experts estimate that should the Tesco Discounter and Sainsbury’s Basics beams collide, a black hole could form over Wales, destroying the entire Principality and causing several pounds’ worth of damage. But I don’t really swallow that myself. If El Tel has managed to make his Value range even cheaper it can only be by dint of skimping even further on ingredients.

Talking of weightlessness, Asda was also doing its bit for particle physics, launching 5,000 rollbacks in a bid to prove that if you throw enough substance-free bargains at the void you can create mass (hysteria).

As you may have gathered it’s been a quiet week at DRIP. With the knives out for Gordo I therefore deemed it politic to join most of HM Government in seeking asylum – literally in my case. I popped up to Bradford to join the urbane Marc Bolan as he counted the last of the brass into the ferret sack and, in a lucid interview with Radio 4, clearly explained that the recent uptick in shales at Morrishons had been chew too de kooshtemersh buying lotsh of freschh.

I had no idea Gollum gave elocution lessons, but what surprised me most was the idea that there were any vegetables at all in Morrisons. Unless you count the staff. Avanti!