Like any member of HM Government I am bound by the principle of solidarity, which roughly means that I take credit when things accidentally go well and otherwise keep a low profile. Thus it is that I am immensely proud of this week's announcement by Alan Johnson, minister for nutters, to the effect that the Government is to throw £13m at aromatherapeutic rebirthing classes for victims of the recession.

Just think of it. That's the best part of 22p for every sad man, woman and Co-op employee in the country. With bit of haggling I'm sure Nestlé could provide the great British public with a fun-size Kit Kat for that amount - EACH - and wouldn't we all lose our blues as that chocolate (lovingly prepared from surplus African baby milk powder) simply melted on the tongue. Mmm.

But you've gotta say that our heroes from the supermarket sector are keeping their feet firmly on the ground, as the latest flurry of hard-hitting releases from their sadly indefatigable press offices shows. JS, for example, notes the tragedy of hyperinflation in the pet insurance market, with rottweiler neuterings topping the cost league. This could explain the rampant cost inflation among Tesco's category managers.

Talking of which, the Deathstar's own spin machine was trumpeting a quadrupling in sales of mushy peas. In a week when the headlines were dominated by economic misery, personal tragedy and meaningless violence you'd have to ask how much cut-through this type of drivel will get. Ah, it's on The Grocer's website.

More promisingly, just this evening I was approached in a darkened Westminster corridor by the willowy Anne McIntosh MP. She posed a couple of oral questions and despite grappling with our political differences I did offer her a bit of private members' support for her bill. Turned out the only fingering she was after was a few shoplifters' collars. Order!