Ooo, how exciting. It appears we will soon be regaled with the provisional findings of the Commission for the Long Grass. Imagine, if you will, the scene in just a few days' time at Peter Freeman's barren Southampton Row HQ. On a podium crafted from the very finest sections of about 30 million printed-out emails, Freeman takes the stage. Slobbering hacks wait, pencils gripped feverishly . In Cheshunt, Qatar, Bentonville, Bradford and - who knows? - even Bracknell and Oxford Street, executives pace the Axminster (actually in the case of Tesco Tel it's likely to be Jack Cohen's lino). Most of all, though, there will be the untold thousands of lobbyists, their ears cocked to the radio, hoping upon hope that this time, this knight (soon, he hopes) in tweed armour will rid the land of the pestilence that is the supermarkets. A Super Trouper picks out Freeman's glistening brow. He tears at the envelope seal. "Ladies and gentlemen. As is common practice when the Competition Commission publishes its two-year reports once a decade, I shall announce the losers in reverse order. "In third place: the entire grocery distribution industry [cheers]. By commissioning the third far-reaching investigation into supermarkets in six years, the OFT has drained countless millions of pounds from the industry and diverted thousands of hours of manpower away from running their businesses. I should give a mention here to the competition lawyers, who take home a special award: massive bonuses. "Second-largest loser: Tesco! [loud cheers]. While our busy schedule of background press briefings and quite good lunches didn't allow us to do any actual investigation, so many people say Tesco is nasty that our informed opinion is: no smoke without fire. "But the number one loser is: the consumer! [stunned silence]. We're fining everyone! I don't care, I shop at Whole Foods!"