What's your nickname? The elves started calling me Captain Birdseye a few years ago and it's stuck. In Japan they call me Annual Gift Man.

Who was your first teenage crush and why? I always fancied the Tooth Fairy until she hooked up with that Easter Bunny idiot. But anyone in stockings is good with me.

What was the first music single you bought? I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus, by the Ronettes. It always puts me in the party mood.

What's your favourite book? Sunil Chopra's Supply Chain Management: Strategy, Planning & Operation. It's the Da Vinci Code of logistical analysis. Recommended.

And your favourite movie? Bad Santa, with Billy Bob Thornton, is my most realistic film portrayal to date. And The Exorcist is good. No Christmas presents for that little girl, of course.

What was your most embarrassing moment? Being mistaken for a fake Father Christmas while shopping at Asda in Slough. Screaming kids everywhere - it wasn't pleasant.

Do you have any phobias? I'm Claus-trophobic, which can make the chimney situation a bit complicated.

Which celebrity would you pick to join your staff and why? I'd get that EasyJet fella up on my sleigh and show him what no-frills flying is really about.

What's the weirdest thing you've eaten? A friend cooked me the best steak I'd ever had - until he admitted it was reindeer. I was sick on the spot. Poor old Blitzen.

What luxury item would you have on a desert island? A snow machine. Or a Gillette Mach III Turbo.

What's your best chat-up line? "Who's been a naughty girl, then?" Never fails.

What would be your ideal last meal? Anything but mince bloody pies. Come on people, show some initiative.

What superpower would you most want for a day? Being able to fly straight after 400,000 glasses of complimentary sherry. Any more points on the licence and it won't be a very merry Christmas at Casa Claus. The wife'll see to that.

Father Christmas was talking to Charlie Wright.