As the embodiment of all that is holy in this otherwise godforsaken world, it is of particular concern to me that nicking stuff is one of the few industries experiencing a genuine surge in these troubled times.

Yes, my kleptomaniac countrymen, the Global Retail Theft Barometer has surged no less than 20% in the past 12 months, taking the shoplifting sector to within a budgie's fart of £5bn, which is not much smaller than the total sales of M&S or two middling City bonuses.

Now, I know I'm a wholly Misanthropic Parasite (usually shortened to the initials MP) but I'm no hypocrite, and of course in my day I have snaffled my fair share of pick 'n' mix from Woolies (RIP). But it did strike me as just pushing a point too far when some bleeding heart from the University of Lower Salford or somewhere came on the radio to assert that this was in fact the fault of the shopkeepers themselves!

No-one could question the guiding moral principles at your core, namely squeezing the last drop of profit out of every last tamarind.

But it was a bit rich for the "expert" to suggest that by making goods attractive and easily accessible, retailers were complicit in fuelling the British national love affair with petty crime.

You bad, bad, people you're no better than those wicked girls who ask for rape by wearing make-up and nice clothing.

On the subject of theft, was it this report or simply her hallucinogenic cheese that prompted Irene Rosenkranz of Kraftwerk, Inc, to pop up on Monday and offer a fiver for Cadbury (with a copy of The Big Issue thrown in). Cadbury, self-appointed source of all love in Britain, is clearly guilty of making sweeties that are too attractive and too easily accessible.

I wish the same could be said for Irene's Hershey Highway.