Ever since Mr P’s c-store burnt down (regular readers will recall, in an insurance-inspired ‘accident’ related to vast quantities of unsold Britvic NPD) we’ve had to live with a Tesco Express. It’s not that we object to paying up to 40% more than a normal Tesco, rather that we’ve lost the eclectic stock selection of Romanian Coke, no-brand Bombay Mix and dusty Bonnie Tyler cassettes that made shopping so interesting.

The news that you’re likely to die early if your waist measurement is greater than half your height (thank you, The Times) is surely a shock to both Bonnie and Karoline (with a K). Husky voiced, squeezed into over-tight leather, extravagantly coiffed and tottering on unsuitable heels, one is giving the performance of her life this weekend. The other is scoring an embarrassing points total at Eurovision.

Yes, K is leading our Bangladesh Trade Board pitch. The brief is to “rehabilitate the country as a source of ethical supply and enlightened employment”. In other words, find a quick salve for the conscience of Britain’s margin-obsessed retailers. Rather bravely, perhaps foolishly, Karoline is making a point about how much work needs to be done by pitching amid the rubble of a demolished factory in the East End.

Last week’s Grocer front cover ad - ‘3 million folk love our ‘Fanny”- was also strangely positioned, and a bit of a loser to boot. Well done Irn-Bru on selecting a vagina-inspired double entendre for your ad. No doubt the work of some sniggering ad agency ‘creative’ (male, young, acne issues, cock) who thinks ‘fanny’ is funny. Just seems a bit pathetic to someone that’s got one.