As anyone who has worked in PR will know, the amount of time actually spent PR-ing is fairly limited. There are just too many more important things to be getting on with, not least checking whether any new shoes have appeared on Asos and marvelling at the £300 ‘butt facial’ featured by Mail Online. (I so obviously don’t need this, but Karoline (with a K) has already booked the full course.) So, to find Miranda hard at work on Monday morning is a bit of a surprise. As it turns out, she’s not doing work work. She’s compiling a list of “things that have gone terribly wrong with Britain that we can blame foreigners for”. Not to submit to said Mail Online, rather on behalf of her new boyfriend and prospective UKIP MP Charles. Anyway, fmcg has a lot to answer for when it comes to undermining the nation’s self esteem, and much of it will feature in the manifesto.

Top of the list of grocery crimes is the 48-hour deodorant, encouraging boys to take a French approach to personal hygiene. This is the sort of thing, along with sauerkraut (a crime against cabbage) and Danish pastries (what’s wrong with British pastries?) that will win over sceptical voters next May. In the meantime, Lynne Truss has taken over from Robert Pattinson at what K calls the Min of Ag - which apparently deals with this sort of thing - so the punctuation will be better, even if the eye candy is poorer.

Terry, emerging pale, stale and male from the post room (after four weeks of football), tries out the new @wherenext Twitter service from Heineken. Brilliantly personalised, it highlights the best park benches, bus shelters and doorways near our office to spend a Heineken-fuelled afternoon.