WAHHEEYYY! What a week! Some buggers said we could never do it. But by biding our time, investing a few tens of millions here and there and bringing a load of foreigners on board we’ve smashed the German-led competition and delighted the City!
And, on top of beating Jürgen Klopp’s useless Scousers (my career has been blighted by them) at Wembley, I also managed to strike a little side deal with Amazon through which we will finally be able to satisfy the overwhelming demand for quirky indigenous northern-style street food (pies and mushy peas) in hard-to-reach markets such as Islington and Hampstead.
To be honest I was a bit preoccupied by the geopolitical ramifications of the Sky Blues’ victory in the Capital One Cup - the holy grail of global football - to pay much attention to what Jeff Bezos’ third deputy associate vice president for limey relations said on the phone from Seattle, but I expect it was something along the lines of how this was the deal that would finally break Amazon into the beef dripping market in important geographies such as Padstow.
For me, another vital aspect of this deal was the opportunity to make Tim Steiner look a bit of a plonker. OK, he must share in the credit for this, but it was delightful to see shareholders trashing the Ocado share despite our little sop, offering to take an option on up to a third of the broom cupboard space at Steiner’s fulfilment centre in romantic Erith, the Mary Celeste of online retail.
Best of all is that thanks to Dalton’s enlightened online strategy, Morrisons.com is absolutely nowhere. Think Barnsley. And so if there’s a competition probe I’m sure we’ll sail through without penalties. Unlike the lads on Sunday!
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