I have conducted a significant transaction. And at the risk of introducing superfluous levity into this transformative acquisition I must posit that customers will be exhilarated by the revenue and cost synergies potentially inherent in the arrangement, as well by as the accretion to EPS and enhancement to EBITDAR.
Are you following me? Oh dear. Well, I shall endeavour to infantilise my expression to a level the average Grocer reader may comprehend.
I’ve been shopping, and I get to boss John Walden about. Coolio.
Now, some cynics have had the temerity to observe that in a market fixated by the imperative of divesting the real estate portfolio, it seems counter-intuitive to acquire a Brobdingnagian quantity of terra firma, to whit 750 stores. I would riposte that optionalities include extensive divestment and human resource rationalisation.
Ie, Argos has got a lot of shops, but we’re going to flog them off and sack loads of deadbeats.
There is an inevitable parallels between Argos (the store) and the Argolic city of the Hellenic tribes, from which Perseus arose to found Mycenae. Just as Perseus slew the Gorgon Medusa, there is a potential causality: I, Michael Andrew Coupe, may emerge as warrior-king of Britannic retailers to trounce the Teutonic and American hordes and create a new genre of merchant who will simultaneously vindicate the superiority of the bespectacled intellectual.
Or, I’m going to kick the arses of the Krauts and Yanks and pay back all those bullies.
You heard me, JK (name abbreviated for legal reasons), I’m not just a “speccy git”. I’ve got a big brain and some bigger shops. Oh and I bathe in Krug. How’s the go-kart business going?