Let us pause for a second to mourn the demise of my boss John Hutton right that’s enough. Now let us welcome his replacement, Peter Mandelson. Jesus fackin’ Christ what did I do to deserve this? Yes, I am a debauched, mendacious, drunken, smug hypocrite and a drain on public resources. But I clearly didn’t possess enough of these qualities to bag me the top job.

I rise above all these things and am not bitter. And let it never be said, beloved acolytes, that Uncle Don has lost the common touch. I may be more minted than a Polo factory, but I sympathise profoundly with those paupers among you who may have been squeezed by the credit crunch to the extent they can no longer bathe in Innocent Smoothies. So, as the world implodes around us, here are a few of Auld Pumseye’s thrift tips.
- Asda’s Smartprice range can make a marvellous substitute for food. Simply starve your pitbull for three days and the cheapie sausages will, once properly boiled, keep Fang happy for an hour or two.
- Do all of your shopping at Ocado. It claims its branded goods are as cheap as at Tesco. And if you can swallow that, you can swallow anything, so substitute your daily Oat Crunch with Waitrose cat litter.
- Keep a close eye on the Grocer 33. This will give you a good idea of what Morrisons will be discounting next week in a pathetic attempt to keep up with Asda.
- Don’t forget your local convenience store! A few minutes by the meat counter at Spar will cure any residual hunger pangs.
- Transferring your weekly shop to Aldi or Lidl can really make a difference. Since they’re copping all their sourcing costs in euros and taking all their revenue in sterling they’re being well and truly screwed, so with any luck you can boost their losses by increasing your spend.
- Take a tip from Granny! Warmed-over Pedigree Chum makes a marvellous Irish stew.