Jesus said some quite good things, actually. One of them was "Let him who is without sin cast the first stone", and wouldn't that be just dandy? It would at any rate shut the bloody media up for a few precious seconds because believe me, retarded readership, there is no work of fiction yet created that can hold a candle to your average hack's expense account.

And it's not only JC who had the good lines. For was not Our Lord Bondandybond, saviour (of pennies for the shell-suited masses) and redeemer (of grubby money-off coupons), heard this week to say: "Do you consider thrift beneath you? Then let me warn you: you're living in the past and in the future you may not be here." Asda may not have profits, but it sure has its prophets.

Such messianic and doomladen words from the flame-haired soothsayer are not to be taken lightly, particularly if you're one of Bondy's hapless and seedy management team who will now have to travel rodent class on National Express to crush suppliers across the land. Seemingly it's not for nothing that the anagram of Andrew Bond is 'Owned Brand'.

In fact, all Asda 'colleagues' have been tasked with yielding £1 a day back to Bentonville's bottomless coffers. There will no doubt be a tremendous sense of satisfaction among the huddled cleaners and shelf-stackers to know that skimping on toilet paper and shivering in the dark will render £50m or so straight back to the undernourished yanks.

By the way, if you haven't had a look at Wal-Mart's website recently, you really should. How else would we learn that cash & carry offshoot Sam's Club has teamed up with the US Chamber of Commerce to 'fight for small businesses'? No doubt Tel will be first in line with the begging bowl; what with Flesh & Sleazy heading south - and I don't mean down Mexico way. In fact, Bondy's paymasters would probably regard Tesco plc in its entirety as some kind of Limey mom and pop store.