Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind, and thus it is with heavy heart that I say: King Justin, it's high time you got yourself a new therapist. Ask whichever lackey who is reading this to you to sort it out quickly before the ol' megalomania takes an even firmer grip and you really start believing your own propaganda. Take my advice (remembering that no-one admires you more than you do yourself) and smother this non-food internet service at birth.

You see, Sainsbury's is really quite a nice brand a bit smug perhaps, but perfect for the middle-class Daily Mail reading dimwits that you serve but it is hardly John Lewis, Argos or Amazon. In actual fact, my diminutive liege, it's not even Tesco Direct. Think of it this way. The Tesco brand is like a bucket. You can put whatever you want into it financial services, chavvy wide-screen tellies, discounter brands and the punters will still come running. It's not glamorous, but nothing associated with the Deathstar is and the Great British public could simply not be arsed to care less. It'll be there or thereabouts on price and what else matters?

Sainsbury's, on the other hand, has always striven to be something different. Despite the concerted efforts of your witless marketing team over at least two decades, there is still some trust in Sainsbury's as the aspirational grocer for the suburban deadbeat, where the prices may hurt but you won't be ashamed to be spotted by the other WI members. And of course you could always kid yourself you were moving up a rung in the quality stakes.

But consider this. If I'm going to order the director's cut of Redhead Home Secretary On the Job III, what is going to be the sole factor that sways my decision? That's it, your imperial highness, price. Meaning that if it is to compete, the Sainsbury's upstart has to be as good at non-food as its established competitors, on much smaller volumes.

Dream on, KJ, and stick to the asparagus.