Liverpool and Nivea join forces

Having ignored industry awards for years “because the judges don’t understand our sort of PR darling”, Karoline (with a K) is suddenly keen that we not only enter, but “win, win, win”. She’s a bit cagey about why, unconvincingly muttering that “our success needs to be recognised” and more persuasively, “those bastards at [insert list of competitors] keep winning and so should we”.

The real reason becomes clear with a glance at PR Week, our trade rag (published, appropriately enough in an industry that cares so little about accuracy, monthly). In a feature titled ‘Sell your agency for more’ there’s a note to the effect that a cupboard full of gongs can significantly enhance the price you can get. K has clearly read this bit, but possibly not the preceding paragraphs on the value of profitability, client retention, a happy workforce, and quality of output. It’s this last one that has limited our award-winning potential. Undeterred, Karoline seizes on the news that it’s a record season for English apples - “Tangible results? Gold dust. Enter that” - seemingly unconcerned that we haven’t worked on the account for over 20 years. We’ll see if we can find a ‘long-term effectiveness’ category.

Talking about effectiveness, I’m not sure Nivea understands men. It has signed up Liverpool FC players as ambassadors, seemingly unaware that most men (at least the ones that I sometimes share a sofa with) view all footballers (even on their own teams) with utter derision. Nivea products will henceforth be mocked in dodgy Liverpudlian accents as they gather dust on shelf.

Finally, news that the menopause can apparently last up to 14 years explains a great deal about PR agency leadership all over Britain.