Oooh readers, it’s the scary season! You know, when the papers warm over old chestnuts about kids’ Halloween costumes being deliberately impregnated with napalm and the entire British public is grabbed by the ghoulies.

I was actually rather pleased with some of the feedback on my in-store decorations this year - you know, thick cobwebs hanging from the fittings, lifelike maggots in the chiller and slime in the produce counter. Or at least I was until I realised I hadn’t actually put up any merchandising. I really must have a word with Pavlina about the cleaning.

Some of the costumes you see are great, aren’t they? Only this morning two men came in dressed as zombies - it was really quite fearful to stare into the blank eyes of what really felt like the undead. They spoke in an eerily antiquated tongue and their fetid breath spread a deathly chill throughout the store. It was only when they said they’d come in to pick up their usual order of Horse & Hound, Sloan’s Liniment and pickled walnuts that I recognised Mr Redwood and Mr Rees-Mogg. Always nice to pass the time of day with the revenants. The regulars, I mean.

Anyway, this year Pat’s Mart is sponsoring a bonfire bash for customers and I’ve been busy sending out invitations. Sadly, Mr Corbyn will not be in attendance as his team were a little concerned he might get chucked on top of the fire by mistake, or that the Guy I’ve made from old sacks stuffed with straw and tied up with knotted string might turn out to be more appealing to normal voters.

Mrs May just muttered something about having quite enough fires to put out, thank you.

Pat Smart

Exploits of a Westminster c-store owner