We’re called into secret talks at the FDF to use our “award-winning PR skills” to help stem the decline in traditional food sales. They’ve clearly got the wrong agency as we haven’t won an award since Karoline (with a K) accidentally entered the Labatt’s Miss Stockings & Suspenders contest in 1986 and I’m assuming that’s not what the Catherine Street worthies have in mind. Anyhow, they have noticed calamitous declines in over-50-friendly fare such as marmalade, table sauces, haggis (RIP Hall’s) and the entire Premier Foods portfolio. “Our traditions are being swept away on a tide of cinnamon Pringles and chocolate cream cheese,” they moan. “We need a campaign to get young people to buy things they don’t like.”
So in that respect it’s a brief pretty much like every other. Our hard-hitting response, ‘Frankenbrands - they’re dead, but you can make them live’ - is clearly current and, as K (admittedly looking uncomfortable) says, “down with the kids”, but fails to find favour with the great and good. “It suggests we have a problem,” says the greatest and goodest.
I’m tweeting all this during a romantic meal for two, as most people apparently now do (main course: scallops, dredged in anger). My date is something big in financial PR and boasts about paying as much tax as Starbucks (ie none) on his enormous salary. He looked quite a catch on mydesperatefriend.com, but the pinstripes and the sweating do for him before the starters (scallops à la française, twisted and bitter) are over. Fortunately Miranda phones before the scallop pudding. Photos of K from 1986 have turned up on the web and everyone’s heading back to the office to make sure they go viral.