survey

Pat is not a sceptical soul by nature, but I’m beginning to think that not every part of the Whitehall machine runs as smoothly as it might. Take the Office for National Statistics, for example. They send a lovely brown-suited lady round once a month with a clipboard and we have a nice chat over a cuppa while she collects info for the monthly retail sales data.

Last time round, I casually asked how many shops were actually involved in the survey, and blow me if she didn’t have a rather exaggerated coughing fit, making a somewhat dramatic exit in the general direction of Pimlico.

This did get me wondering, I have to say. So I had a little looksee and well I never! It turns out that Pat’s Mart constitutes 100% of the sample group! I do understand that the poor dears have to save money somewhere, but the fact that the returns I give are entirely fabricated during my regular morning visit to the throne room is probably one good reason why the ONS figures generally do feel a little divorced from reality.

Talking of which, election fever is ramping up, and not just for the Algerian People’s Assembly and the Niuean Assembly (May 4 and 6 respectively). We’re having one here as well, and that’s always really good for business with all the hacks drifting in and out and clearing the shelves of methylated spirits (£3/500ml) and Blossom Hill Rosé (£3/500ml).

As usual, I like to remain above politics but my assistant Pavlina (she’s from Bulgaria, you know) always has a special word for Mr Nuttall when he drops in twice a day, desperately looking for Mr Farage. I don’t know what “zadnik” means, but knowing Pavlina I suspect it isn’t a ringing endorsement of UKIP’s new “integration” policy.