1. Paint all your lorries white
That way, no-one will realise that it's your wagons causing all the traffic jams in the town centre. And if people are not overtaking your branded lorries on the motorway all the time, they may not realise how ubiquitous you are. You'll look minimalist, cool and anti-corporate.
2. If you can't beat them, join them
Too many big corporations in the UK have underestimated the impact that blogs are having on businesses. And it seems that there are anti-Tesco blogs by the day. So why not redress the balance and set up your own blog to show the world that there is a human face behind the slick Tesco corporate image?
3. Donate more to worthy causes
Anything to do with world poverty would be good. It's what the Live8 generation is demanding. You could give cash, which would be nice. But what about flogging your own charity dog tags, this year's successor to the wrist band? As your business globalises, you need to act.
4. Think greener
Recycling facilities for customers, wind turbines and bio-fuel plants are probably not enough in the environmentally correct era. You've got to get greener - and lead the rest of the industry on this issue. Start at the top: make all senior staff drive the celebrities' eco-friendly car of choice, the Toyota Prius. Greenie points all round.
5. Clean up the NHS
The NHS is one place where the customer is definitely not king. We need a bit of Tesco magic in this sector. The service is not only dirty, it also needs to shape up when it comes to service levels and finances. We're not the only ones thinking this. Why else were rumours flying around that Sir Terry Leahy was about to take a role as the government's health tsar?
6. It's ime to get back to school
Tesco has taken over from Asda as retail's 'academy of excellence' as it is now the place where many industry leaders cut their teeth. Why not go a stage further and fund the opening of Tesco academies in inner cities to ensure deprived youngsters get a good start to their lives?
7. Sponsor a major sporting event
The obvious step would be to ensure you end up as a key sponsor of the 2012 Olympics. Boost your image further by throwing in some cash for Team GB. And why not donate the funds to get the government's national Schools Olympics idea off the ground?
8. One way to stop the whingers
The anti-Tesco lobby has seized on the fact you're now a powerful force in the world of convenience. You could see off criticism of how you are destroying small stores by making better use of the One Stop brand and renaming all your Express c-stores. It could work!
9. Move into the movie business!
McDonald's and Wal-Mart have both been caught out by polemical films. You can bet that someone, somewhere is already planning their docu-movie along similar lines targeting Tesco. Get in there first; produce your own film to showcase all the great things you are doing.
10. Make the trains run on time
Okay, this one is tough. But it shouldn't be impossible for anyone who can run a complex supply chain. The added bonus of taking over the railways is that you can be confident no consumer groups would complain when this Express comes into town. Especially if it was on time.