It's just a few short weeks until the whole nation gets the day off for no particular reason. Oh, and some bloke is getting hitched on TV on a special episode of My Big Fat Princely Wedding.

In our previous edition, The Grocer ran the rule over the various spin-offs, cash-ins and what-the-hells that have cropped up round the stately nuptials.

These ranged from the tasteful, such as Wills-flavoured Champagne and romantic Haribo, to the slightly less decorous 'Crown Jewels' condoms (although the fact they don't work as contraception is probably apt, seeing as Kate Simpleton's sole function is to produce the proverbial 'heir and spare').

Anyway, impish brewer Wychwood has unveiled the lucky winners of its Alternative Wedding of the Year contest with Richard Elsbury and his blushing bride-to-be Aileen selected from among the dozens of loyal Hobgoblin fans to tie the knot in a simultaneous spoiler ceremony designed to steal the nuptial thunder from Westminster.

"Hobgoblin is planning an eventful day of mischief," cackled a spokes-hobbit ambiguously.

As is traditional in goblin weddings, Elsbury will be required at all times to refer covetously to his bride as "my precious".