Naturally, most of my loyal readership are strict teetotallers and it is to them that I address my sincere apologies for my slight incoherence last week.

No-one would have doubted for an instant that I was acting in the best interests of the nation with a one-man ministerial probe into the effects of our 24-hour drinking laws. While El Gordo did not specifically request my inquiry ahead of the announcement that he has single-handedly transformed Britain's loveable pisshead culture into a nation of café-dwelling sophisticates, I felt it was my duty to add to the body of research.

Unfortunately, after a 24-hour stint my notes had become rather illegible, and also slightly encrusted in vomit but I had the presence of mind to post them to No 10 before I passed out, which may explain Gordo's silence viz. my forthcoming promotion to the sinecure of Supplier Ombudsman.

Luckily, much had improved in the world once I awoke, fully refreshed after a light 18-hour nap. Best of all was the news that the Daily Mail is now solely responsible for government policy, at least in the minds of its own scribblers. It seems that not only Gordo but also his winsome bride Sarah are upset by the latest, greatest threat to our planet.

No, it's not climate change born of the asinine motoring habits of the lower middle classes who buy the Mail. Neither is it the escalating risk of global conflict resulting from the electoral pantomime in Russia. No, pernicious planet wreckers, it's plastic bags.

Well, who'd have thought that the Mail would have opted for the easy target and the even easier panacea. Sod greenhouse gases, bugger deforestation, drought and acid rain. Gordo agrees supermarkets are to blame. What's more, that message is flopping on to the doormats of 2.3 million middle Englanders every single day - in free plastic bags on Sundays.