Do I hear a collective gasp of incredulity? But beloved and cynical readers, surely this is the only possible interpretation of the news that the Death Star is trying to ratchet a further 15% “contribution” from its bedraggled suppliers? That’s contribution spelt E-X-T-O-R-T-I-O-N.
I say only this: 15% combined with the further 5% that the ever-philanthropic Tesco is bound to find out of its own margin will help cut retail prices by a fifth! At least! I can see the press release.
“We know our customers are haemorrhaging money in these tricky times,” Lord Telstar said. “In fact I regularly have to step over piles of unwashed hoi polloi on my way out to the Lexus. And this gave me a brainwave. Why not use the global financial famine to shaft the suppliers a bit more?”
Well as it happens, HM Treasury is also feeling the pinch. So, inspired by Tesco’s flash of financial genius, I’ve popped a note over to Darling Alistair, suggesting he asks for a 15% “contribution” in the form of increased corporation tax from the supermarkets. I dare say Tesco isn’t the only one using these straitened times to its advantage. I notice that the Co-op has sneakily completed its acquisition of Somerfield while everyone who matters is gainfully employed devising ever more painful ways of putting City bankers to death.
I guess there are some who will always come up smelling of roses. Although by the look of the news from M&S, this doesn’t include our dear English Rose himself.