A couple of the new account assistants are both horsey girls and are partial to the occasional cowman (surprisingly soft hands apparently).

They were keenly anticipating The Grocer's Dairymen supplement last week, so imagine their disappointment when they got their hands on it. No hunks (other than Jim Begg), no hay, and no wellies!

Meanwhile, the old ideas tired and trusted, as Karoline (with a K) says are still the best. Remember TT's PR tip a few weeks ago? Bung anything expensive or silly in a sandwich and it's instant media mania. Someone must have been reading, hence Pilgrims Choice coming up with the world's most expensive cheese sarnie. £110 worth of Cheddary bollocks from the little-known 'celebrity' chef Martin Blunos. (An anagram of Subnormal Nit, as it happens. And he's got a pony tail.)

Talking of which, if you can't get a proper job, make cupcakes. Lots of my friends are topping up their trust funds selling works of sugary art for £2.50 (ingredient costs: 23p). Anyhow, National Cupcake Week has just finished in a blaze of media indifference they should have put P&F on the case.

We'd have staged a 'Resist the Cuts' event at the TUC Conference, with union bosses slicing a public-spending cupcake into ever tinier pieces. That could have made The Guardian.

Clearly someone in the Eblex office has suddenly got media savvy hence Lady Gaga's new role as Ms Meat Couture. Now, we've all seen her flashing her bits before but bringing out the beef curtains, that's inspired!

Needless to say, it's upset the green-atics but global salvation is at hand; I read this week that the EU is trying to curb vacuum cleaner use to save energy. Excellent! My flat is now an eco-beacon!

More from this column