Finally we have proof. Drinking alcohol gets you pissed. But worse.

In a state of pissedness, the poor unsuspecting punters who neck a Special Brew or a litre of Asda Smartprice Vodka under the forgivable misapprehension that it is some kind of health tonic are liable to actions including but not limited to climbing electricity pylons, urinating through the letterboxes of the local Tory constituency office and frenzied coitus with random fat girls round the back of the chippy.

Those of us who had previously ascribed such actions to the British love of good-humoured gratuitous violence and vandalism are naturally shocked, and will welcome the proposals to spell out the dangers on a new label.

As an accomplished top-shelf turps-nudger myself, I know exactly how effective such warnings can be. After all, did not the inclusion of similar text on fag packets some two decades ago herald a final end to the consumption of the fatal weed? Drinkers, like smokers, are rational people who, before shotgunning a six-pack of wife-beater on a Thursday night in Salford, will pause to consider all HM Government-approved nannying.

So I call on my colleague, Health Secretary Andy Burnham: just as soon as you're through with your mature and confidence-inspiring playground spat with Andrew Lansley over what to do with the nearly deads, please forge ahead with this enlightened new piece of bureaucracy. I assure you DRIP will do everything in its power to assist, including lending you the departmental green crayon to draft the legislation and offering Mrs Rolfe the cleaner as a prime example of what can happen if you forget to lock away the cooking sherry.

But why stop there? Innocent's smoothies could surely be a drowning hazard in sufficient quantities bang on a warning! And virtually any product sold in Londis could be classified as a bio-hazard. The only thing you won't find a health warning on at the moment is the pre-election bullshit. It's enough to turn the nation to drink.