With the German balance of payments depending entirely on Aldi exports, a lot is riding on your next purchase of gesalzen gemischten Nüssen (or mixed nuts, if you look at the back of the packet).
Plucky Brits are doing their bit though, thanks to our ‘It’s Not Quite As Nasty As You Thought’ campaign, which has clearly worked for Aldi. Wooing the middle classes and boosting profits by 200% has even prompted the discount chain to create 4,500 new jobs.
For every inexplicable PR success like this, there seem to be four or five predictable failures. So fatuous was the assertion that Heinz’s new ‘posh’ tomato ketchup range would add “a spoonful of panache to your dinner table” that even Karoline (with a K), not known for squeamishness in the face of stupidity, almost refused to issue the press release.
I blame the new intern, trying to make a name for herself. Or the Heinz NPD crew who thought that anyone who actually owns a dinner table would put this plastic tub of red goo on it.
It’s almost as sad as Crispello, which sounds like a cross between a cooking oil and a hopeless England football manager. Karoline launched in at the pitch with one of her now famous anti-marketing strategies.
“Products aimed at women are doomed to fail,” she barked at the terrified brand manger. “Viz: Animée. So the only hope you’ve got is to pretend to be ironic. ‘For you dear, because you’re too stupid to make your own mind up’ will put Crapello, or whatever it is, in the news.”
If you’re going to exit the roster, do it with a flourish.