Karoline (with a K) has scented a business opportunity in The Co-op’s apparent desperation to reinvent itself as either relevant or useful, or possibly even both. “At the moment” she wrote on the ‘Have Your Say’ questionnaire, “only teachers, social workers and the desperate go to The Co-op to buy food. Other than that, it’s the undertaker of last resort for people who can’t afford a proper funeral.”
She thought this incisive analysis may strike a chord and so she added “please contact me for a solution” at the end.
It’s in anticipation of that call that we’ve been working on a Co-op relaunch PR plan. We’re calling for a popular uprising to smash the entrenched forces of communism (the current Co-op business model) and hand it back to the people, via a stock market flotation.
There’s a bit of fine-tuning needed to stop this approach spreading to John Lewis (which we all like, obviously) so to focus the hate on the right target, we’re making a video that keeps repeating ‘Gude with fude’ over secret footage of a real Co-op fresh produce section, which we’re pretty sure will drive shoppers into a frenzy of rage and revolutionary fervour.
Not that we’re suggesting a violent end for any of the current leadership cadre. No, they’ll just be exiled to the retailing hinterland that is online pound shops. If there are any of them left, of course, by the time of the putsch.
Meanwhile, Defra is being urged to tackle the spread of African Swine Fever. Too late. I went out with a South African rugby player last week who refused to upgrade to the rather nice Stellenbosch sauvignon on the wine list. The swine.