Our glorious leader enters the office wearing shades, a trilby and a plus-size gabardine mac. It transpires she’s hoping to be recruited by the new Food Crime Unit as a private investigator and has dressed for the part. Karoline (with a K) PI would be a turn up for the books because, up until now, KPIs have been an entirely alien concept. Investigations may be a bit of a struggle too. Presumably they require things like diligence, application and thinking, and less in the way of manicures, spa treatments and Krug (“The ’98 please darling. The 2003 is a touch too bubbly”).
Still, crime fighting’s loss is clearly PR’s gain because as the day wears on, and the fizz kicks in, she’s tossing creative ideas around the office like dead ducks heading for a Yorkshire skip. ‘Sugar - the lifesaver’ is the first one. To counteract the revived anti-sugar hysteria, we’re tasked with finding examples of how sugar has saved people’s lives. This must include, according to K, at least one case of someone who would have been shot dead, but for the sugar cubes in their top pocket that stopped the bullet.
Less welcome is the support for The Grocer’s LED campaign, which has included removing two out of every three lightbulbs in the office. “Do you know what they cost?” barks Karoline when we suggest turning on the ones that remain or, indeed, fitting some LED replacements. By mid-afternoon we’re reduced to lighting the citronella candles we forgot to send to winners of a tropical fruit juice ‘create your own jungle’ competition.
To add to the gloom, the Standard announces that doctors are worried about the level of alcoholism in middle-aged women in retirement. The answer to that, says Karoline, is “not to retire. Hic.”