Miranda and I are thrilled that The Grocer is launching a TNT contest, which we understand to be a quest to find the trade’s Top New Totty. Obviously, nobody from other PR agencies comes close to the girls from P&F, but just to be on the safe side we’ve entered each other (into the competition, I mean - don’t get smutty) and added in some bogus client testimonials for good measure. I suppose there may be competition from a peachy cheeked junior brand manager somewhere, probably working on the second-rate brands that P&G uses to break in graduates (does anyone still buy Wash & Go?), but we’re pretty sure we’ll come through in the swimwear round.

Miranda will sport a skimpy tartan number to celebrate her Scottish connections, which as far as I can see consist of consuming vast amounts of whisky as often as possible. If you applied this sort of logic to Terry from the post room, on the basis of his KFC habit he’d turn out to be from the deep south.

I think my costume should be trimmed with culled badger fur as both a topical statement and an attempt to win the agri vote. We expect the answers in the ‘what do you want to do?’ round to range from “Work on Head & Shoulders” (P&G Girl) to “Open a florist” (all PR participants).

I should state that any clean living policies adopted by M and me in preparation for the judges’ inspection are not responsible for either the slump in fruit lager sales or the drop in Red Bull consumption. It turns out that there is a limit to public gullibility about what’s nice to drink. Red Bull doesn’t seem to understand this, blaming its decline on “the economy and competition.” Don’t they ever taste the stuff?

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