The announcement that three glasses of wine a day increases the risk of a stroke is the kind of shock that could bring on a heart attack. “They mean bottles. It must be bottles,” spluttered Karoline (with a K), already above the threshold of harm at 11.30am. A couple of cigarettes later (Park Drive unfiltered for maximum effect) and her pulse had returned to normal, but she insisted on smaller wine glasses for the rest of the day.

It was a somewhat sombre Karoline that called the agency together for a meeting the next morning. “Darlings, I am going to die,” she proclaimed, suddenly aware of her own mortality. A stifled cheer probably wasn’t the desired reaction. Anyhow, she ploughed on and it turned out that she is only going to die in the sense that we all are, ie sooner or later. “However,” she said, livening up, “when I do go it won’t be from any of the diseases predicted by the bloody Daily Mail.”

coffee will either kill you or cure you depending on which day you read the Mail, so the news that Starbucks is going to put a coffee machine on every corner could - according to Terry from the post room, who has turned into a conspiracy theorist since he got his Co-op card - amount to backdoor privatisation of the NHS. It’s true that it’s virtually impossible to find a Starbucks anywhere in London. Or at least one that serves decent coffee.

During our coffee break, we’re inspired by The Grocer’s ranking of retailers to suggest the qualities that you could use to judge food PR agencies. Sexiness and shoes would put us at the top of the list, we note. Effectiveness and ROI (ugh) would put us nearer the bottom - though not as low as the agency promoting organics.